05/02/25
change v growth
WOOF. Ever cringe after doing anything? Of course you do, you’re human.
Feeling a bit cringe after sharing yesterday, but I guess it’s that uncomfortability that’s sort of the point of the exercise. I’m terrible at sitting in these moments, but I’m gonna try. This is all to grow, right?
For a long time I think I’ve confused the idea of growth with change. Of course there are types of change that imply something about a person or context has grown to some degree - a promotion, owning a home, moving to a new city. These are changes that can impact the types of people we become & the taxes we pay, but I guess they’re not inherently tied to growth. I mean sure you sound real grown up when you’re talking about mortgage payments but are you really growing as a person? Is that the catalyst? Or is it something else?
A good friend of mine said something that stuck with me the other day, and I’m going to probably butcher the fuck out of this but it went sort of like:
“You’re already what you want to become.”
Profound shit, right?
It’s intended to be inspiring, yet it’s sort of cheesy & a bit bleak in a way.
I could rip it apart (I’m pretty good at that), but I’m also a sentimental motherfucker so I’d be lying if I said it didn’t give me cause for pause. The core of the sentiment is that true growth is just letting your inner self become your outer self. Seems simple enough, but for some of us (me) it’s a pretty big lift. It would make knowing one’s inner self a requisite, and in turn would require the self assurance & vulnurability to air it out for anyone to see / accept / reject. Honestly, sounds like a lot of emotional labour I’d rather avoid.
But ultimately, it’s just a matter of signaling to the world who you are. Once that work is done, the rest (in theory) falls into place. If you signal that you’re creative, you’ll find (or be found by) fellow creatives. If you signal to the world that you’re really into Magic: The Gathering, you’d be shocked by how many freaks will start crawling out of the woodwork. I play Magic, I love my playgroup.
After making my 7th cross-country move from Vermont to Los Angeles, it really hit home the idea that changing my location & vocation wasn’t contributing to any real growth for me. I’ve learned all sorts of new stuff, met some incredible people, and expanded my culinary vocabulary times ten, but I still feel a bit stunted. How am I not who I want to be? What else do I need to prove to myself?
In a way, the emotional labour of becoming who I am sounds a hell of a lot easier than moving cross-country. That shit’s logistically & emotionally difficult. In Alcoholic’s Anonymous, they would refer to this as making a “geo,” something members of AA recognize as a pattern of behavior for newly realized alcoholics where they’ll move to a new city to escape their past and start fresh. It’s observed as a mistake, because ultimately moving won’t resolve internal struggle. It’s change veiled as growth.
I wonder how many of my moves were like this - veiled as a growth opportunities. I feel like there’s a Wizard of Oz reference here somewhere. If only I were clever enough.
I think it’s pretty clear that this site is a signal. I’m making another move here at the end of June, and I’m going to stay in LA which will mean I’m committed to the idea of staying somewhere for over 4 consecutive years, which I haven’t done since college. I’m looking forward to it. Just being.
Not pursuing change sounds almost kind of insane in my very american mind - from a young age we all internalize the pressure to be constantly improving our situations. If you’re not abiding by this cultural code, you’re ostracized and ironically lose potential opportunity. Being content is not the american way, it’s only permissable after you’ve surpassed your prime utility years & retire. I spent a lot of time in retirement homes growing up, honestly I’m not sure anyone who lived there was content either.
But I think there’s something to this idea of growing in place, accepting change without seeking it. Plants fucking do it, why can’t I? From day one, a plant is what it will grow to become. Everything it can be is coded into its DNA. There are external forces that bear impact on its rate of growth or decay, but that doesn’t change it’s very being. Growing to be who we were from the start could be misconstrued as bleak, because that removes “potential” from the equation. But when you look at a fern or fungus for what it is you see that it’s objectively amazing for what it is. Plants are very self-assured creatures. And they grow.
I guess to bring this all back to the point, my definition of change v growth is still an incomplete thought (don’t @ me, Miriam-Webster), but I’m definitely dancing around the notion that change is more external whereas growth is more internal. Neither is inherently better or worse, but they are different because they feel different. To me, at least.
05/01/25
shaking off the rust
05/02/25
change v growth
Pasadena, CA